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I lied to my prospective boyfriend, How can I backtrack...

Question:

I am a 23 year old Indian living in India. I don’t know what possessed me to do this but one fine day, I submitted a personal ad to various relationship sites. The ad was a lie from beginning to end as regards physical attributes. I am a pretty good looking Indian girl but I wrote in as a good looking white American.

However, the rest of the ad was true, in the sense, that my views on life and what I was looking for in a person etc., these were all true. When I received replies, I realized that I was behaving in a very idiotic fashion and might end up hurting a lot of people so I pulled the ads from all sites and did not reply to any of them.

There was however one reply that did not seek a prospective relationship. The person concerned (an American Caucasian) just felt that my views were a little funny. I had replied back to that e mail only asserting that what I believed in was right. Somehow or the other, the two of us started corresponding. This was two months ago and since then we write to each other every day, 2000 word emails, no less. The last two weeks we’ve been instant messaging.

I don’t come from a culture that allows dating or affairs.

We spend almost 1.5 to 2 hrs. this way. He and I have shared quite a few things with each other. I can with certainty say that we probably know as much about each other as any g/f or b/f in a relationship. Two weeks ago he asked me out for dinner. Now obviously it’s impossible for me to go out with him, he’s in the States, I’m in India etc. Moreover, I don’t come from a culture that allows dating or affairs. He’s asked me out again this weekend. He’s a consultant and next weekend he returns permanently to the city where we both "apparently" stay. He again asked if I’d like to attend a birthday celebration of his brother together. He’s already sent his photograph (he’s also quite good looking), and details so I can contact him.

This guy is very nice. Because of the way our relationship started the word "love" was not mentioned and still is not mentioned. We’re "friends". However, I think that I’m falling in love with him and he with me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings in any way. But I do not know how to end this charade. This obviously cannot go on. He will really be disappointed in women in general and with me in particular if I tell him the truth. I guess I have been taking him for a ride but NEVER intentionally. I just got so caught up in responding to his mails that it never occurred to me that I might fall in love or that I was doing something that might hurt someone terribly. Also, I must say that I have never been in love. As I said, my community doesn’t permit it, hence I have had lots of boys as friends but never given a second thought to them with respect to love/marriage. So I pursued this relationship in the same mode: as "equal friends". Now, I’m in a mess and I know that he will mind terribly the breach of confidence, the shattering of his trust.

What do I do? I have to end this before it gets out of hand. It HAS already gotten out of hand for me but I do want to at least salvage as much of it as I can. And, I definitely do not want to hurt his feelings. I know what he’s like and how he thinks. He will be most upset by someone who has gotten so close to him but is just a work of fiction. Please help. I don’t know how your web site works but I would be grateful if you print only necessary details while replying to this question.

Again, I beg of you, please try and provide me with a solution fast. I have to get out of this mess of my own making.

Thank you.

Confused Indian Liar

Answer:

Let’s look at how you got into this mess so you can prevent it from happening again and then do some damage control to get you out of it as best you can with your integrity, and hopefully this relationship, intact.

I teach all of my students several Basic Golden Rules in dating and relationships. One of those Golden Rules is: Always be honest. Unfortunately, you’ve just learned this Golden Rule the hard way.

I teach my students that when you deceive someone, on any level, what you really do is cheat yourself out of having someone genuinely love you and care about you on an unconditional level. The logic being: How can someone love you if you never are you?

The next problem with deceiving someone is: What will you do if you actually start liking them and want to continue the relationship? When will the game stop? Sooner or later it HAS to stop, as you are finding out. The worst side effect of deceiving someone is it will eventually backfire and the person who gets cheated, in the long run, is you.

Your guilt and your desire not to hurt this man you now care deeply about lets me know there is a chance of salvaging this relationship once you tell him the truth. You have no control over how he will respond. And that’s the tough part. You may lose everything. But, at this point, what’s really important is that you clear your conscience so you can at least look yourself in the mirror, knowing you made a mistake, admitted it and did your best to correct it.

It’s also important for you to remember there was no evil intent on what you did. You weren’t out to hurt anyone. Once you realized your mistake, you took all of the ads off the internet. The mistake you made is you should have been honest with this man once you started communicating with him on a regular basis. But you already know that now so there’s no point in rubbing your nose in it. Your only hope is that he will be understanding and want to continue the relationship in the same way you want to.

Let’s look at the reality of your situation and get into some damage control.

First, as you said, you’re in India and he’s in the States.

Second, your culture doesn’t allow dating or romantic involvement with a man.

I have to admit I know nothing of Indian culture but loneliness and the desire to be loved, cared for, understood and accepted unconditionally are universal feelings and needs. And, regardless of your race, creed or color, the history of the world is built upon people just like you, your boyfriend and everyone else doing the best they know how to satisfy those needs.

Before you tell him the truth about yourself, you need to ask yourself two questions: Where CAN this relationship go and where do you WANT it relationship to go? You need to be very honest with yourself and this man so neither of you gets hurt by one person’s not being honest.

In life we are presented with choices. Those choices lead us down a path with many doors. Each door is a different classroom for us to learn from. You are now presented with a choice. How you respond to that choice will determine how your life turns out. Each choice is a thread that weaves you into the person you ultimately become.

You are now presented with several choices.

First, you need to tell him the truth because, sooner or later, he’ll figure it out or find it out on his own. It’s better if he hears it from you.

Tell him the truth just as you’ve told it to me: That you posted a false ad, realized your mistake and took it down. That you had no intention of misleading him and didn’t realize the relationship would go where it’s gone. Tell him you’ve fallen in love with him (if you really have) and don’t want to hurt him. Tell him you’re in India, your culture doesn’t allow what’s happened but that you want to stay in touch with him. Tell him you’ll send him a picture if he’d like to see it.

If you’re open to continuing this relationship on a romantic level, tell him. If you’re open to whatever happens romantically, tell him that, too. The only way to salvage this relationship is to be completely honest with him, let him respond one way or the other and accept his decision.

Now here’s the biggest door for you to pass through: Are you open to meeting him in the States if money to get you there is available? I don’t know if you live with your family or not. If you live alone you could travel without anyone knowing. Or you could have him visit you in India.

The next door is what if you get married? What if you’re perfect for each other? Where will you live? What will you tell your parents? Are you strong enough to stand up to your family, your culture and your country and follow your heart?

Movies and romance novels are written about situations like yours. It’s the stuff life is made of. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

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