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Tell me how to deal with jealousy of my fiance’s previous relationship?

Question:

I have a relationship over a year with now and a month ago we got engaged. I do not have any problem with my fiance, he is very tender and I know he loves me but I can not get over his previous girlfriend. You see, he has his own appartment and they lived together for some months before I met him and this makes me suffer. I think of this all the time.

If he loved her, how they spent their time together, what shared.

Once, I found some photos of them together during vacation and I felt my heart broken. Since that day I think of that photo them together. I tried to hide my feelings but my fiance understood because a lot of times I am looking miserable and he is offended. He says I do not appreciate his feelings and the things he does. I am afraid I am sick of jealous. How can I fight it? How can I stop torturing myself?

Please tell me how to get over the jealousy. Thank you.

Answer:

Your basic questions is: "How can I get over my jealousy of my fiance’s relationship with his last girlfriend?"

I think what you really want to ask is: "How can I get over my jealousy of my fiance’s relationship with his last girlfriend in such a way that it will bring us closer together and help lay the foundation for better communication, love, trust, openness and honesty? And how can I do this using class, style and dignity?"

When confronted with a problem, I teach my students the first thing you need to do is figure out, exactly, what the problem is. So let’s go over the facts as you presented them to me in your letter. You say, "I do not have any problem with my fiance, he is very tender and I know he loves me..." So at least I know he’s not abusing you, intentionally inflicting emotional pain on you or fanning the flames of your jealousy. This helps isolate the problem because I can see clearly he is not a part of the problem.

Then you continue, "... but I can not get over his previous girlfriend. You see, he has his own appartment and they lived together for some months before I met him and this makes me suffer. I think of this all the time. If he loved her, how they spent their time together, what shared."

So your problem is pretty straightforward. As you say: You’re jealous. You did your homework in terms of figuring out what the problem is and you can see he’s not doing anything to make you jealous.

Let’s go over a few basics:

1. I don’t know of anyone, male or female, who enjoys the thought of their mate having sex with another person or having their mate tell another person how much in love with them they are. The only possible exception would be swingers who are into that kind of behavior. You obviously don’t fit into that category.
2. If you want to be loved, cared for, understood and accepted unconditionally by your fiance you have to give him that same love, caring, understanding and acceptance. If you don’t, he’ll eventually go find it somewhere else.
3. I congratulate you on not wanting your fiance to change because he hasn’t done anything wrong.
4. You’ve identified the problem is with you and you want to change it.

You didn’t mention your past experiences with men so I don’t know if you’re a virgin who wants to wait to have sex until you’re married or if you’ve had sex with a variety of partners. You also didn’t mention whether or not you’ve lived with a man before.

If you are a virgin part of your jealousy may come from feeling, "Well, I waited, why didn’t he? His ex-girlfriend got something I should have gotten."

The best mates, male and female, are the ones who have experimented with relationships and have some experience. They draw on that experience to help their relationship with you. People with experience know what they want and what they don’t want. For you to cheat your fiance out of his past means he wouldn’t be able to appreciate everything you have to offer in the relationship. He’d have nothing to compare it to. You’d also be cheating him out of some of the lessons he had to learn to become the person you are in love with now.

That being said, the question is now how to deal with jealousy of your fiance’s relationship with his last girlfriend in such a way that it will bring you closer together and help lay the foundation for better communication, love, trust, openness and honesty? And how can you do it using class, style and dignity?

I teach my students one of the keys to solving most of the problems in a relationship is to sit and talk things over with the other person. If you listen to their responses with an open mind, rather than hearing what you want them to say, you will get all the feedback you need to either proceed or walk away from the relationship.

The question is now how to deal with jealousy of your fiance’s relationship with his last girlfriend in such a way that it will bring you closer together...

The key to solving this problem is to sit down with your fiance and tell him the truth. Clear your conscience. What is it you need your fiance to do to make you feel more secure? Be specific. What is it, specifically, that bothers you about your fiance’s ex-girlfriend? What do you need him to say or do to make you feel secure? Tell him. Tell him you’re jealous.

Then tell him what you are jealous about and why you are jealous. Tell him you want to get over this jealousy so it doesn’t destroy your relationship with him. Ask him what you should do to resolve your jealousy.

Then listen to what he says. Let him help you. Work on the problem together. By working on it together it will bring you closer. It will increase your communication, love, trust, openness and honesty. And you will have done it using class, style and dignity.

Why is this solution so effective? Because you will both be solving the problem together, in a way that’s very personal and custom made for the two of you. Your solution will work for you, as a couple, and no one else, because only the two of you know all the important details.

If you don’t talk it over with him and give him the chance to help you with it, it could eventually destroy your relationship with him.

You already know he and his ex-girlfriend lived together. You wonder if he loved her, if he had sex with her. Let me set your mind at ease: He told her he loved her. They had mad, passionate sex and did everything in bed you do with him (if you’re having sex with him). I don’t tell you this to hurt you. Rather, I tell you this to help you face the truth.

He broke up with her for a reason. Whether she broke it off with him or he broke it off with her really doesn’t matter. What matters is they weren’t designed for a long term, committed relationship with each other.

From what you said, your fiance is giving you everything he can to make you feel secure in the relationship, including marriage.

Your fiance is correct: You’re being unfair to him. The relationship with the ex-girlfriend is over. He isn’t rubbing it in your face, he’s asked you to marry him. What more can he do?

To think or want your partner, no matter how shallow or serious your relationship is, to have no past is extremely unrealistic and unfair to both you and your partner. The only people who don’t have a past are new born babies.

The thing that’s interesting is you’re jealous of a relationship that no longer exists. What did you see in the pictures you found that your fiance was giving his ex-girlfriend that you believe he isn’t giving you?

Next you say, "I tried to hide my feelings but my fiance understood because a lot of times I am looking miserable and he is offended. He says I do not appreciate his feelings and the things he does."

You’ve been keeping your feelings of jealousy to yourself. Be aware of this very important aspect of what you are doing: You are laying the groundwork and the foundation for your future relationship with your fiance. If you choose to lie to him about your feelings you are unintentionally sabotaging your relationship with him.

For you not to tell him about your feelings of jealousy means you’re lying to him about how you truly feel. I don’t think you’d appreciate his doing that to you. Why would you not tell him? If he really loves you, he’s going to want to help you with this. He will be the direct benefactor of resolving this problem with you.

Let’s say the situation was reversed: Your fiance found photos of you with your last boyfriend and he was jealous. How would you want your fiance to respond? With jealousy or with the maturity that the men you’ve gone out with helped make you the person you are today? Remember, it’s human nature so there is no answer for how to stop being jealous.

A lot is at stake with how you choose to handle this. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

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