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I was crushed when he wanted to be with another woman...

Question:

I’ve been involved with a man on and off for approx. two years and it is driving me crazy!

I should tell you that we are both recovering alcoholics and are deeply involved in our twelve step program. Initially we were just friends, seeing each other at meetings and other related functions. We both have been on a path of rebuilding our lives and have been of great support to one another.

We are best friends above everything else. We laugh alot and have so many common interests in the ocean, nature, beliefs, etc. that you would think we came from the same mold.

The problem is, now that his life, career and financial situation is all on the upswing Jim has backed off the relationship to a degree and he has admitted to me that he took advantage of me (financially and emotionally) over the course of our time together. I was crushed to hear that he wanted to be with another woman (totally centerfold material) he met at work. Jim told me I didn’t know how to have "casual sex", only "making love", and he didn’t want that anymore.

In an effort to prove to myself that I could, I went to bed (DUMB) with a mutual aquaintence from the program. This guy "confessed" to Jim and he went totally balistic even though he was with this other girl!

He can’t stand to see me with any other men yet he says he’s not ready to commit. He’s not seeing anyone else now (said there was nothing "inside" the pretty package at work) and doesn’t think I should either. He feels we should just work on ourselves. He shows up at meetings and winds up going home with me two or three times a week.

I am attractive and other men want to date me, Jim knows this and gives "just" enough to keep me attached to him. I want to marry again some day. Do I wait for Jim or should I date and risk losing him for good?

Answer:

Let’s take your first sentence and get to the root of your problem: "I’ve been involved with a man on and off for approx. two years and it is driving me crazy!"

What, specifically, is driving you crazy? His behavior? No. What’s driving you crazy is you are allowing this man to treat you so poorly. And no matter what he does to you, you keep taking him back, hoping it will work out. No wonder you’re upset.

If you blame him for your misery you have to wait until he changes. He’s already shown you he’s not about to change. The only time he gives you what you want is when he wants something from you, sexually, financially or emotionally. Then he loses interest. This is a true friend? You be the judge.

There’s no doubt you have many common interests. But common interests don’t make for a true friendship. Mutual respect, concern, and looking out for each other’s best interests is when common interests can turn into a true friendship. This, clearly, is not what Jim is doing.

There are three issues here: First, you want a commitment and he doesn’t. Second, he’s used you emotionally and financially and he admitted it to you. Third, based on his behavior, as soon as he finds someone better (whatever that means) he’ll dump you until it’s run it’s course and then he’ll come back to you, giving you just enough scraps to keep you interested.

My question is why do you put up with it? You have other guys asking you out, you’re an attractive woman, and you’re not desperate for attention. Go out with them. Start enjoying life and stop taking crumbs from a crumb. Start getting the whole loaf.

Jim is too selfish to take your needs, wants and desires into consideration unless he wants something. Then he does only so he can manipulate you. This is your life we’re talking about. You deserve better than this.

Why do you put up with this? Because you hope he’ll change? He won’t. He won’t change because you don’t have what he wants for a committed relationship (whatever that is). If you did, you wouldn’t have to corner him into it. He’d do it gladly and willingly.

If the man is driving you crazy, why are you trying to force him into an "all or nothing" relationship? Any time you need to corner a guy into a commitment it won’t work.

Jim wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants you there when he wants you there and if your needs coincide with his, fine. If not, that’s your problem.

Jim is a classic Taker, putting you down when you won’t give him what he wants. He doesn’t want to commit, but he doesn’t want you to see others, either. How selfish and inconsiderate can this guy be?

He won’t change because you don’t have what he wants for a committed relationship...

Let’s say you talk him into a commitment. He’s already told you he doesn’t want a commitment. So, if you get him to commit, you’ll have to force him into it. Eventually he will rebel, put you down, have numerous affairs, claim you don’t understand, and generally make you miserable. Then you’ll ask, "Where did I go wrong?"

Are you sure you want a full time diet of this? You will be trying to force a square peg into a round hole the entire relationship and ultimately he will leave you for someone else (which he’s already proven to you with his "centerfold material").

He’s already admitted he’s used you. When you beg him to commit it just lets him know he can get away with anything and you’ll keep taking him back. He’s told you in several ways, on many occasions he isn’t husband or long term material.

So what do you do?

Once you realize, understand and accept he isn’t what will make you happy as a husband, you can map out what to do based on what you want, not on what he wants.

If your friendship with Jim is important to you, try to keep it in tact. Once you let Jim know what your boundaries are for your relationship with him (that you want to be friends with him but you want to see other men because he clearly does not want to give you want you want), if he doesn’t want to abide by them, I suggest you reclaim your self respect and walk away.

If you want to stay his lover, fine. But make sure you’re doing it because it’s what you want, not just because he wants it. Otherwise you’re going to get used.

You can keep him as a friend and keep him as a lover if you want but remember: You’re looking for a loving, committed relationship with a man who truly appreciates you and what you have to offer. If Jim can’t (or won’t) appreciate that and support you in your search for it, he’s clearly not your friend who has your best interests at heart.

The "centerfold material" at work he lost interest in probably dumped him and he’s turned it around and said "there was nothing ’inside’ the pretty package at work" because he couldn’t abuse her (maybe she knows something you don’t). If all he wants is casual sex the centerfold material with not much inside fills the bill nicely.

You ask, "Do I wait for Jim or should I date and risk losing him for good?" You miss the point. You never had him. You were just a fill-in until he found something better (he’s even admitted this to you).

Stop throwing your life away on Jim. Stop collecting scraps and other women’s leftovers. Stop compromising your self respect and get a man who will appreciate what you have to offer.

May life be gentle with you.

Good luck and God Bless.

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